Apparently, I was wrong. And I am sorry.
I am lucky to still be communicating with my aunt . . . I received an e-mail from her today. She expressed her disappointment and frustration–and rightly so.
I had asked her about a sensitive health issue and I reported in a blog post that she didn’t respond. She forwarded me her response, which she apparently sent the very day I asked. I either did not receive it, or it went to spam/junk, or I accidentally deleted it. My bad. They are not villains. They are scared, just like me. The truth about all of this is new to them, too. They don’t know me.
So, I am sorry. And thank you for sharing your personal information with me.
None of this is easy, is it?
No, but I keep going. I can’t help it. *banging head on wall*
Truth. Don’t we all deserve to know it? Especially if it is your own. Good or bad. You deserve to know.
I know you have been very respectful to this family that is genetically connected to you. I also know rejection is a horrible feeling.
Margaret’s mother doesn’t know about you. Why the secrecy 50 years later? Why does it matter now? Doesn’t she deserve to know her grandchild? Your maternal grandmother may be one of the only people who can help you fill in some blanks to questions. Maybe?
Don’t give up.
Thank you, Meg. I keep moving forward! Sometimes a little slower than others.
Oops, I hope your aunt can forgive you. Please 🙂
Me, too. Thanks, Helen.
in this journey a stumble now and then is understandable….you did the right thing by apologizing now dust yourself off and get back at it
Thank you, Lisa! Onward and upward!
Laureen, you were right to apologize. You have scared your family. Now your grandmother has to be at least 86 years old and we have no idea what her health is at this point. If it was my mother and I was one of Margaret’s siblings, I would not tell her about you. Margaret’s siblings really no nothing about you. Her siblings have found out this information about Margaret 50 years later after the fact. But after reading all the comments, everyone doesn’t agree with me about telling Grandma you exist.
It’s not that I disagree with you. No one wants to hurt the feelings of an 86 year old woman. Maybe she would want to know though. Have you considered that? I think that all opinions on here are welcomed. I am speaking from my own experience. My guess would be that you aren’t in the same circumstance with uncertainties about your existence. I think that Laureen waited 50 years…ok 30 years….but still. In my opinion Margaret and Margaret’s mother are the only 2 that may be able to provide helpful information. If it was me and the newspapers don’t help…I’d search out the possibility of talking to them. I have realized that at some point LAUREEN needs to start putting herself first.
Meg, I am speaking as a daughter to my mother who pasted away when I was 40. I personally would not have put this on my mother. I’m in my late 60’s with 3 grown children and I would not want to know everything they have done in their lives. Margaret has already been in prison which no mother could really stomach. Although she might be a kind, loving grandmother who would welcome Laureen with open arms. But if anyone should tell her, it should come from Margaret who I don’t believe will do it. I guess Margaret has had to admit to her siblings what is in her past. One of the siblings could do it but live with the wrath of Margaret. You might say who cares about Margaret’s wrath? Margaret was about 43 when Laureen approached her the first time. She could have ended it so easy by just telling Laureen the truth about her father and what medical issues her family might have. She didn’t have to embrace Laureen but she could have taken care of this issue with love. You know one lie adds to another and this is the situation I think Margaret is in. I’m not defending Margaret but think her and her siblings are the only ones who should handle this situation. Laureen is a loving, kind person and she will do what she thinks is right. I support her with any decision she makes.
Meg–you’re right. What is so difficult about all of this is that EVERYONE INVOLVED, as well as those that are not involved, has an opinion, sometimes quite emotional, about the whole adoption deal (the secrecy, closed records, family ties or lack thereof, etc.). Sometimes even my own feelings change from day to day. I’m just going to live it as it comes. Thank you so much for your encouragement!
Thanks for your input, Barb. They have no intention of telling their mother about me. I’m not so sure her knowing will do me any good–but that’s not the point of my quest. If it were, I could have introduced myself to her years ago.
My mother hid some family things, however, I am positive if I had a child and she did not know about it she would be angry with me for not telling her after so many years. Her anger would probably make me reluctant to tell her, particularly since she may have had prior disappointment in my behavior That said, She would want to know that grandchild! Everyone may not be the same of course but looking at it the only way I can, from my life experience at age 70, I think she deserves the truth as much a you.
Thank you, Roberta! Everyone has a story (and an opinion!)! I appreciate them all!
Give the grandma some credit! After 86 years, there is nothing that should surprise her. Her daughter didn’t invent out of wedlock “relations” (oh…clutch the pearls). However, a new family member? It could give her something to live for! If she is a closed minded old bitty, age doesn’t give her angel wings. The point here is…. Laureen has just as much right to exist as any person on this earth. She is not a dirty secret! That is really the point of this WHOLE thing. Even the whiff of implication that an adopted baby should “stay in the closet” affirms all the feelings Laureen has expressed here. If the “the big reveal” moment was what she was craving, she would have done it years ago. If it furthers her cause, she should not have any regrets. I don’t blame other family members, or even Margaret, for not telling “mom”, that is their choice. But that doesn’t change the facts. Laureen is the physical embodiment of the truth.
You understand so much, Susan! And I know why! We all have a path, a journey, sometimes it’s uphill, sometimes it just unfolds in front of you . . . sometimes there are many “forks in the road” and we’re stumped about which one to choose. ❤ Thank you!
I was a dirty little secret until the dawn of atDNA tests. What had been rumored for many years was I was the outcome of an affair. My mother divorced when I was 9 months old and married my bio dad. I grew up thinking he was my step father. Now it is called paternity fraud. My half sister was really my full sib and my step aunt was actually blood related and shared my DNA. Unfortunately the truth does not always prevail and people choose to live lies and make villains out of the child produced from the indiscretions. Everyone deserves to know the truth of who they are for medical reasons as well as just knowing who you descend from. You cannot truly understand this if you have not walked in these shoes. I finally have closure and no longer suffer from anxiety and other health issues from trying to live the lie to keep from losing my mother. I have to say I had 2 fathers who loved me very much as well as their extended families. They both told me the truth and I was too afraid of my mother to act do anything while they were alive and she always made them out to be the liars. The saddest part of my experience is the one person I lost was my own mother. She is alive and well in the same state and for over 10 years it is as if I were dead. Not to mention her grandchildren that were written off. I have brothers who have written me off because she has told them there is no way it is true and I am crazy. Even with the DNA evidence. Adult children should not have to live a lie to cover up a parents past indiscretions. I love my mother and brothers but can no longer suffer the health issues from trying to be my mother’s dirty little secret. Thank you Susan because you hit the nail on the head. Dirty little secret is exactly how you feel when asked to keep what you know to be truth quiet. Lauren, I wish you all the best and hope you continue to search for the truth for you and your children.
Well thank you for the kind note KM. I hope I didn’t sound too nutty in my defense of Laureen. I am a super tolerant person, but everyone deserves the same right to “exist” for Heavens sake. And by the way, I don’t often think of myself as adopted, because I have a mother who cherishes me and always has. However, I did find out in my early twenties that my dad had adopted me. Somehow it wasn’t a shock to hear it, so maybe I knew somewhere inside. It certainly lit a light bulb when I was told! I just never, ever “fit in” with my “dad’s” family. Something just wasn’t right. Reading Laureen’s and your story, I can well imagine how different things would be if I had spent more than a few days each year with them. I always thought they adored my sister because she was the youngest and had red hair! My dad did a great job of being even handed, or my mom’s love made it not matter, I don’t know which! On a side note, I decided to look up my “real” dad and his family as soon as possible after I was informed of his existence. I didn’t act fast enough. He was killed in an accident within a month. I took it for granted that my grandmother would be delighted to see me, and she was! She had kept watch on me from afar my whole life! Very odd. But reading other people’s stories makes me know how heart sick and confused I would have been if I had been rejected! I can’t believe that the possibility never occurred to me at the time. So glad you are doing better now KM. Hope one day the hurt is a long lost memory. The current loosening of morals with the changes of society is sometimes very hard to watch and not wish for the “good old days”. Unless you are one of the many for whom the good old days only meant cover ups that caused a deal of pain, not the nearly ideal society that we like to look back on with Norman Rockwell glasses.
Susan, you are such a sweetheart. And yes, it’s hard for me, too, to read the stories of people who are touched by adoption and are angry or unhealed and continue through life without resolve.
I forgot to mention I was over 40 when the truth finally was known.